How to deal with post hookup anxiety
I didn’t receive a call; should I call back or not? Was I not a spec? Did I say something wrong? Was it the way I spoke? Was it the way I chewed?
All of these questions pop up after a hookup. You just feel like you met this amazing person and had fun at the moment but a few days later, you realise this person hasn’t called. Or worse; you check their social media and find out that you’ve been blocked.
You can’t help but wonder what you actually did wrong. You have heard of cases like this and you genuinely don’t know how to feel; you need to know the reason why this person ghosted you.
Post hookup anxiety is a real thing. It is worrying excessively about how a hookup went. Worrying is quite normal but when it becomes excessive, it’s tiring. And it’s frustrating when you can’t stop it.
This scenario may sound really familiar to most of us but we usually handle the situation poorly and sometimes the decisions we make affect us in our subsequent relationships.
It is important to manage this intelligently. Here is how I handle a situation like this:
Create an anxiety board
I developed this method for my sexual shame workshop. Take some writing material, create a table with two rows and a column and write down how you feel and why you feel that way. Doing this makes you realize that most of the time we worry because of our irrational fears.
This happens when the hookup was supposed to be a one time thing but the person made you feel special and now you think you are in love. It makes you worry excessively as you begin to blame yourself for hooking up in the first place. Remind yourself that it’s not a bad thing to feel a connection towards another persona but also remind yourself of the boundaries you have set. You can make the boundaries flexible only when the other person feels the same way and is willingly to try. So pick up that phone and ask for a second date.
You are willing to call back but fear rejection. Again, remind yourself that these are just fears and text instead of calling because calling might make you tense. If eventually you get rejected, think of the situation rationally. This person has their reasons for not wanting to commit and it’s only right to respect their decisions and move on. Don’t keep demanding because then you are not respecting the other person’s decision.
Post sex distress
You feel used, cheap and unworthy. Remind yourself your value as a person isn’t based on sex. It would also be helpful if you remind yourself how you mutually enjoyed sex, so no one “used” anyone.
I do hope you enjoy the new year and make the right choices.
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About the author: Amos Sanasi is an award-winning sex educator who specializes in sexual enlightenment. Her book “BDSM CHEAT SHEET” is a beginner’s guide for those who want to be kink-positive. She is also the founder of West Africa’s first sex-Ed tech startup RevaginateNG. She tweets at @thesanasi.